Stuff sneaking up from behind

OK so normally, I'm a hit and misser.

I don't blog much, but I really need to get stuff out.

I can't afford intense therapy so here goes.

I'm a survior of childhood molestation. It started when I was 8 years old while my brother was very ill. Mom was so caught up in everything going on with him she even forgot about my Birth-Day. My Aunt had to remind her and ended up telling mom what I wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom. She has been a driving force in my life that I can't equal. She has some of her own issues from childhood. Like getting pregnant at 15 and having 2 kids before 19. She also got divorced during that time frame. So if you know my age you can see the stuff she went thru aswell.

Here is my thing. I always thought she blamed me, cause she never wanted to talk about it after I told her at 15 yrs old. She has always called me the "liar/secret keeping child", I wouldn't talk to her and she couldn't understand it. I still don't talk to her about "stuff", but I now see that the more "stuff" I tell her the more it comes to haunts me.

She and I have been at odds for years, I want her respect, I want her to love me.... But no matter what I do I feel unable to break that wall of silence.

More to follow... But I need to get a handle on myself.

I can see this turning into a multi section blod and I can only get so much out before I can't take any more.

Thanks for reading
Jer