Vision's?????

How is it that we can watch them grow day by day, dream by dream and still we can be totally thrown?

I've seen that face in front of me since the day I first dreamed him and today I wanted to pull my hair out. The pain he went thru was nothing I could imagine for him, yet I was responsible for it. Yeah, I know it's just braces, but I wanted to smack the technician and the Doctor and say "ENOUGH, Hasn't he had enough?"

I've had dreams of him since I found out I was going to have him. I knew he was going to be a "HE" since before I found out thru ultrasound. I dreamt he was going to be in trouble during labor so that he would need to be delivered by C-Section, this too can true.

I've seem him in my dreams growing up, and right next to me..... why do I have to change my vision of him??? And have to put him thru the pain to change that vision???

I know that this is a good thing, I know this is the right thing... But why does he have to look more like his father??????

Jer-who had to make the call to subject my precious boy to more as one of the cruddy things is just hanging by a wire. He noticed it when he woke up from a nap this afternoon.

OK Just out there for the world to see I suck!?!?!?

First off this situation I ran into tonight has me at a total loss.

One of my son's friends(15) is a child(also 15) who has not had the best up bringing. He lives with his Dad and we(me and the dad) are kinda friends. The kid and I seem to get along real well, we joke around and he feels comfortable enough to escape to my house a lot. His dad has been out of work going on 6 months and in the 2 yrs we have known them they have lived with family and then Dad got a job and moved into the court we live in as I recommended him to the landlord.

The situation is that I made a comment on the child's outfit which, even though matched in color, didn't go well together. I said that I thought maybe that he might need a woman's touch in the shopping world. "Maybe I need to go and help you out with matching clothes someday"

Now, I'm having to deal with an angry father who called me on my cell phone (after stewing for 2 hrs) as I was driving home to cuss me out on my earlier comment. I hung up on him after saying, "Good-bye, ?????", and the following is a letter I wrote to him to make sure I try to make amends before he turns this real ugly.

"?????,


First off I’m sorry for hanging up on you last night, but there was no way I was going to drive and listen to you cussing me out at the same time.



Secondly, I am sorry if I hurt you or ????? Jr.’s Feelings in any way. I was only joking, obviously I was wrong and I will admit it and apologize to you and him. I guess sometimes I think of him as a second son and we joke around.



Third, please try to remember we are friends and I hope we can talk about anything. I am more than willing to talk to you calmly about this or anything. I don’t think I have ever yelled and cussed you out for the things you have said to me that I thought were inappropriate. I would appreciate the same courtesy.



I hope that you have calmed down enough to be able to get through this situation with me without yelling and cussing me out, but if you need to make sure I have a lot of Beer in me before hand.



Again I apologize that I did something wrong in the way I talked to ????? it was not my intention to hurt either of you.



In Friendship,

My name signed"



I don't know what others might do in this situation, but this guy has a bad temper( I kept the kid while he was being held in jail less than 3 weeks ago) and I've always tried to stay out of their business. I do think I crossed the line but I would have been more agreeable to talk to him if he hadn't come at me cussing me out. This is an issue I've dealt with before, my ex would start to cuss me out then turn to hitting me. I've learned to just get out of the situation as calmly as possible. Even if I have to be rude.



So, I'm asking all you great people to give me your unbiased opinion. What would you have done, I treat this kid just like my own and "T" has even said that even though I get on him about his choice of clothes sometimes that after he changes, he sees I do have a valid point.





Thanks Guys



Jerbear

Stuff sneaking up from behind

OK so normally, I'm a hit and misser.

I don't blog much, but I really need to get stuff out.

I can't afford intense therapy so here goes.

I'm a survior of childhood molestation. It started when I was 8 years old while my brother was very ill. Mom was so caught up in everything going on with him she even forgot about my Birth-Day. My Aunt had to remind her and ended up telling mom what I wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom. She has been a driving force in my life that I can't equal. She has some of her own issues from childhood. Like getting pregnant at 15 and having 2 kids before 19. She also got divorced during that time frame. So if you know my age you can see the stuff she went thru aswell.

Here is my thing. I always thought she blamed me, cause she never wanted to talk about it after I told her at 15 yrs old. She has always called me the "liar/secret keeping child", I wouldn't talk to her and she couldn't understand it. I still don't talk to her about "stuff", but I now see that the more "stuff" I tell her the more it comes to haunts me.

She and I have been at odds for years, I want her respect, I want her to love me.... But no matter what I do I feel unable to break that wall of silence.

More to follow... But I need to get a handle on myself.

I can see this turning into a multi section blod and I can only get so much out before I can't take any more.

Thanks for reading
Jer

Tagged I'm It

Tagged by TuxBaby, Can't believe I actually got tagged.

Four jobs that you've had:
Design Engineer/Drafter
County Project Inspector
Erickson Air-Crane(helicopter) Sheet Metal Mechanic
KC-130 Hydraulics Mechanic

Four movies you could watch over and over:
Wedding Date
Princess Bride
WaterWorld
The Postman

Four places you've lived: (All of these more than 2 years)
Southern Oregon
San Fransisco Bay Area
Southern California
Beaufort South Carlolina

Four tv shows you love to watch:
CSI (any and all)
Gilmore Girls
The Gotti's(yeah I know it's not real Reality TV)
Law and Order

Four of your favorite books:
Anything by J.D.Robb
All the Harry Potters
Anything By Diana Gabaldon (Outlander etc)
Actually I read way too much. It is my break from reality.

Four places you have been on vacation:
Yellowstone
Dallas
Wyoming
Washington State

Four websites you visit daily:
A single parenting Board
Kate's Blog
The Girls Blog
and of course Tux's Blog( by the way did I say thanks yet? Tux)

Four of your favorite foods:
Mashed Potatoes
Baked Potatoes
French Fried Potatoes
and any Red Meat served with above

Four places you would rather be right now:
in bed with my current book
in a bath tub with my current book
on a tropical island with my current book
in front of a fire in a ski lodge with my current book

Did I tell ya I'm reading the newest Diana Gaboldon?

Seeing as everyone I know has already been tagged and I doubt this blog will get much traffic I'm not tagging any one else.

Realizing I might not be such a good friend!!!!

I've been living in a vacuum. I'm trying to catch up on the people who mean alot to me that aren't in my immediate circle and I'm seeing that I SUCK.

Where have I been??

What has been so important that I can't get some time to real blogs or our board??

No excuses, no blame laying just a vacuum of self lothing and pain.

I'm SORRY to everyone I've been basically ignoring.

Jer

Crazy lazy long weekend

I'm pretty much a hit and miss blogger. Much of my life is like this. One thing that doen't get missed is my son. We are very close and supportive of each other. He and I have been on our own since his birth and with some of his difficulties I have pretty much shut down my life.

I work a ways away from home so I'm always thinking I'm not the best mom, just the best I can be at the moment.

Joining in

Well since almost everyone I look up to blog's I'm just going to have to start.

Not much to start with other than I'm a bit crazy and very single.